قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.
كاتب الموضوع رسالة nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008 A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see." "Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?" Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity -- boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water. "Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?" Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength? Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a Financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart? Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008 New Year - Employee Rules and Regulations ( office humor ) *Dress Code* It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise. ************ *Sick Days* We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. ************ *Personal Days* Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. ************ *Toilet Use* Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy! You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also. ************ *Lunch Break* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast. ************ *Mails* Don't read junk and forwarded mails. ************ Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. The
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008 My Dear SweetHeart, Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with our cute circular face,conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated. My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity. You are as essential to me as an element to a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality. My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function. Truly *********
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008 There once was a happy monkey wandering the jungle, eating delicious fruit when hungry, and resting when tired. One day he came upon a house, where he saw a bowl of the most beautiful apples. He took one in each hand and ran back into the forest. He sniffed the apples and smelled nothing. He tried to eat them, but hurt his teeth. They were made of wood, but they were beautiful, and when the other monkeys saw them, he held onto them even tighter. A fruit tree reminded him, but he felt the apples in his hands. He couldn't bear to set them down to reach for the fruit. In fact, he couldn't relax, either, if he was to defend his apples. A proud, but less happy monkey continued to walk along the forest trails. The apples became heavier, and the poor little monkey thought about leaving them behind. He was tired, hungry, and he couldn't climb trees or collect fruit with his hands full. What if he just let go? Letting go of such valuable things seemed crazy, but what else could he do? He was so tired. Seeing the next fruit tree, and smelling it's fruit was enough. He dropped the wooden apples and reached up for his meal. He was happy again. ********* Like that little monkey, we sometimes carry things that seem too valuable to let go. A man carries an image of himself as "productive" - carries it like a shiny wooden apple. But in reality, his busyness leaves him tired, and hungry for a better life.
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008 SUMMER CLASSES FOR MEN AT THE "LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS" REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY September 30,2007 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM. ****** Class 1 How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays. Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. ****** Class 2 The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 p.m. For 2 hours. ****** Class 3 Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group Practice. Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours. ****** Class 4 Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor. Pictures and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks. ****** Class 5 After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM ****** Class 6 Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM ****** Class 7 Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places and Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum. Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours. ****** Class 8 Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. ****** Class 9 Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost. Real Life Testimonials. Tuesdays at 6:00 P.M. - Location to be determined. ****** Class 10 Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturdays at noon, 2 hours. ****** Class 11 Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Classes and role-playing . Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined. ****** Class 12 How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion: Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM. ****** Class 13 How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours. ****** Class 14 The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used. Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined. ****** Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008 This story tells us something about LOVE & LIFE. My husband is S/W Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders. Two years of courtship and now, five years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness. I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings. I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite; his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about LOVE. One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce. "Why?" he asked, shocked. "I am tired. There are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered. He kept silent the whole night, seemingly in deep thought. My feeling of disappointment only increased. Here was a man who was not able to even express his predicament, so what else could I expect from him? And finally he asked me: "What can I do to change your mind?" Somebody said it right... It's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him. Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered: "Here is the question. If you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind. Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death. Will you do it for me?" He said: "I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response. I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes.... My dear, "I would not pick that flower for you, but....please allow me to explain the reasons further..... This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading. "When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen. I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs. You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you. You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city. I have to save my eyes to show you the way. You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month. I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy. You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom. You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes. I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand...and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the colour of the glow on your young face... Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die ... " My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting. .. And as I continue on reading... "Now, that you have finished reading my answer, and if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk... I rushed to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone... That's LIFE, and LOVE. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness. Love shows up in all forms; even in very small and cheeky forms. It has never been a model. It could be the dullest and most boring form ... Flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008 Man: "Haven't we met before?" Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Man: "Is this seat empty?" Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Man: "Your place or mine?" Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Man: "But I don't know your name." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Man: "I know how to please a woman." Man: "I want to give myself to you." Man: "I can tell that you want me." Man: "Hey Cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" Man: "May I see you pretty soon?" Man: "Your body is like a temple." Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you." ******
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008 A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and ask him for a Phone Call. Shop-owner replied Sweety this is no a STD, but you can do one call. The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation: The boy asked, "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn? The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn." "Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." replied boy. The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn. The little boy found more perseverance and offered, "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of North-Palm beach, Florida." Again the woman answered in the negative. With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy and said," Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job." The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my performance with the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008 One evening, a boy was talking to his grandmother about current events. I was born before: Television. There were no: Credit Cards. Man had not invented: Pantyhose. In my day: "grass" was mowed. old.
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008 The problems with "HE" as thought by "SHE" If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him; If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him; If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN ; If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE; If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u; If u don't MAKE LOVE with him., he says u DON'T LOVE him; If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROUBLESOME; If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him; If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED; If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl; If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK; If u HURT him, u are CRUEL; !!
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008 nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008 <BLOCKQUOTE style="BORDER-RIGHT: medium none; PADDING-RIGHT: 0in; BORDER-TOP: medium none; PADDING-LEFT: 4pt; MARGIN-BOTTOM: 5pt; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0in; MARGIN-LEFT: 3.75pt; BORDER-LEFT: #1010ff 1.5pt solid; PADDING-TOP: 0in; BORDER-BOTTOM: medium none">After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted no transfer, no salary increase and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his problem. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying; My friend, you have not worked here for even one day. The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain. Manager:- How many days are there in a year? Man:- 365 days and some times 366 Manager:- how many hours make up a day? Man:- 24 hours Manager:- How long do you work in a day? Man:-8 am to 4 pm i.e. 8 hours a day. Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours ? Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third) Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days? Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 days) Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends? Man:- No sir Manager:- How many days are there in a year that Man:- 52 Fridays and 52 Saturdays equals to 104 days Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have? Man:- 18 days. Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that 14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining? Man:- 4 days Manager:- Do you work on New Year day? Man:- No sir! Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day? Man:- No sir! Manager:- So how many days are left? Man:- 2 days sir! Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )? Man:- No sir! Manager:- So how many days are left? Man:- 1 day sir! Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day? Man:- No sir! Manager:- So how many days are left? Man:- None sir! Manager:- So, what are you claiming? Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realize that I was stealing Company money all these days. Moral : NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!! HR = HIGH RISK And in the employee's opinion..... H = HASBY ALLAH WA NE3MA EL WAKEEL
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008 English Language face it - English is a crazy language. In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway? Why - in our crazy language - can your nose run and your feet smell? it?
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008 THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY. A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued... And WON! (Stay with me.) In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." NOW FOR THE BEST PART... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. *******
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008 time ago, before the world was created and humans set foot on it, God had put all the human "qualities" in a separate room. Since all the qualities were bored they decided to play hide & seek. "Madness" was one of the qualities and he shouted: "I want to count, I want to count!" And since nobody was crazy enough to want to seek "Madness", all the other qualities agreed. So "Madness" leaned against a tree and started to count: One, two, three..." As "Madness" counted, the qualities went hiding. "Treason" hid in a pile of garbage.. "Lie " said that it would hide under a stone, but hid at the bottom of the lake. And Madness continued to count "... Seventy nine, eighty, eighty one..." By this time, all the qualities were already hidden-except "Love ". For stupid as "Love " is, he could not decide where to hide. And this should not surprise us, because we all know how difficult it is to hide "Love". "Madness": "...ninety five, ninety six, ninety seven..." Just when "Madness" got to one hundred..... ...."Love" jumped into a rose bush where he hid. And Madness turned around and shouted: "I'm coming, I'm coming!" As Madness turned around, "Laziness" was the first to be found, because "Laziness" was too lazy to hide. "Madness" searched madly and found "Lie" at the bottom of the lake. One by one, Madness found them all - except Love. Madness was getting desperate, unable to find Love. Envious of Love, "Envy" whispered to "Madness ": "You only need to find Love, and Love is hiding in the rose bush." "Madness" Jumped on the rose bush and he heard loud cry. The thorns in the bush had pierced "Loves" eyes. Hearing the commotion God came into the room and saw what had happened. He got very angry and cursed "Madness" and said since "Love" has become blind because of u... ..u shall always be with him" And so it came about that from that day on, Love is blind and is always accompanied by Madness.! ******
nermeen ahmed kamal نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : العمر : تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.
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الأحد 25 يناير 2009, 5:35 am
Did your job rejected
The problems of "HE" and "SHE".. 
