قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.

The Word 'Hello' means

H=How R U? E=Everything all right?

L=Like 2 hear 4rm U. L=Love 2 C U soon.

O=Obviously, I miss you!



*****************************************************************************

One seed can create the forest

One smile can start the relationship

One touch can show love and care

And one beautiful friend like u

Can bring the beautiful meaning to life…



**************************************************************************



There is only one thing that would

Have made this card perfect…

If I could deliver it in person.

Happy Birthday!



**************************************************************************

Love: When you take a bubble bath together

Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together

Marriage: When you give the kids a bath


*********


Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two

Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"

Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go


*********





Love: Sex every night

Lust: Sex 5 times a night

Marriage: What's sex?


*********


Love: French perfume

Lust: Brut aftershave

Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."


*********


Love: Long drives through the countryside

Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout

Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat


*********

In this experiment they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.


Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable.


Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.





Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.


One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.


All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.


A second original monkey is removed and replaced.


The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.


This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it.


However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.


One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder.


All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

*********

AND THAT'S HOW VERY MANY COMPANY POLICIES & PROCEDURES GET ESTABLISHED.


*********

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers. Some of them are hysterical.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Job Interview - Honest HR Question-Answers

If we were to Honestly reply to all the HR Questions they would go something like this

1. Why did you apply for this job?
I have applied for many jobs along with this and you called me now.

2. Why do you want to work for this company?
I have to work for some company who ever gives me a job, I don't have any specific company in mind.

3. Why should I hire you?
You have to hire some one, you may give me a try.

4.What would you do if we hire you?
Well, it depends on my mindset but I will try to work on whatever is allotted to me.

5.What is your biggest strength?
Basically, daring to join any company who pays me well, without thinking of the fate of company.
6.What is your biggest weakness?
Girls

7.What was your worst mistake, and how did you learn from it?
Joining my earlier company and learn that I need to jump to get more money, so I am here today!

8. What accomplishments in your last position are you most proud of?
Had I accomplished any in my last position, why do I need to change my job? I could demand more and stay there.

9.Describe a challenge you faced and how you overcame it?
Biggest challenge is answering the question "why are you looking for a change" and I started blabbering irrelevantly to overcome that.

10.Why did you leave/ are you leaving your last job?
For the same reason why you left your earlier job... more money

11.What do you want from this job?
If no work is given but keep giving good hikes

12.What are your career goals and how do you plan to achieve them?
Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs

13.Did you hear of our company and what do you know of us?
Yeah, I know that you will ask this, I've gone through your website

14.What is the salary expected and how do u justify that?
Well, no one will change job for the same salary, hence, give me 20% extra than what I am getting and that is unpublished industry standard (I know you will bargain on what ever I ask, hence, I have already hiked my current salary by 30%).

I asked god to bless u..

He did it.

I asked him to love u..

He did it.

I asked him to make u happy...

He smiled n said, " ur sms will do better"..



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********



Secret of happy life:

Get a girl who

Cooks well,

Get a girl who

Looks well,

Get a girl who

Is rich

But

Make sure that 3 girls dnt meet each other.



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********



Even though u're not feeling ur best

With a little time, good care & rest

It won't be long until the happy day

When u're feeling fine in every way.



************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *

IT Heights... ( Computers Jokes )

HEIGHT OF ISOLATION:
Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.

HEIGHT OF COWARDICE:
Two persons fighting through emails.

HEIGHT OF HELPLESSNESS:
Receiving no emails for a week.

HEIGHT OF FRUSTRATION:
The email server being down.

HEIGHT OF CARELESSNESS:
Writing a love mail and doing a 'Send All.'

HEIGHT OF TIMEPASS:
A person sending email to himself

HEIGHT OF EXPECTATION:
Sending Indian cricket team an e-mail, wishing them to win a match

HEIGHT OF REPETITION:
Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded back to you By some one in the receiving chain.

HEIGHT OF BROWSING:
U r swimming in the water tank and shout 'F1 F1 F1 ' instead of shouting 'HELP' when u are unable to swim...

An English professor wrote the words : "A woman without her man is nothing"


on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.







All of the males in the class wrote : "A woman, without her man, is nothing."


All the females in the class wrote : "A woman: without her, man is nothing."


So to conclude, punctuation is powerful ....


************

TWO WOMEN TALKING:

==================================


Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!


Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?





Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.


Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.


Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.


Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

...

...

...

....

....

...

...

...

...


NOW TWO MEN TALKING

======================================


Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.

--

Contradictory proverbs....Interesting !

Every Action has an equal and an opposite reaction.

Similarly, every proverb has an equal and an opposite proverb! There always exists two sides of the same coin.

U be the judge..


All good things come to those who wait.
BUT
Time and tide wait for no man.

The pen is mightier than the sword.
BUT
Actions speak louder than words.

Wise men think alike.
BUT
Fools seldom differ.

The best things in life are free things..
BUT
There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Slow and steady wins the race.
BUT
Time waits for no man.

Look before you leap.
BUT
Strike while the iron is hot.

Do it well, or not at all.
BUT
Half a loaf is better than none.

Birds of a feather flock together.
BUT
Opposites attract.

Don't cross your bridges before you come to them.
BUT
Forewarned is forearmed.

Doubt is the beginning of wisdom.
BUT
Faith will move mountains.

Great starts make great finishes.
BUT
It ain't over 'till it's over.

Practice makes perfect.
BUT
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

Silence is golden.
BUT
The squeaky wheel gets the grease.

You're never too old to learn.
BUT
You can't teach an old dog new tricks

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
BUT
One man's food is another man's poison.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
BUT
Out of sight, out of mind.

Too many cooks spoil the broth.
BUT
Many hands make light work.

Hold fast to the words of your ancestors.
BUT
Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.

Story I




E: Do u have a boyfriend?
C: I have.

E: Is he working Locally?
C: No. He is working Overseas.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u !
C: Why?

E: U will not be able to settle down here permanently. And my Company don't want to pay extra expenses on the Overseas calls just because of u.


*********


Story II


E: Any girl friends?
C: No.

E: So far chased any before?
C: Have, but not successful.

E: Ever think of getting a job first then start looking for a girlfriend?
C: Career is first priority. Currently didn't want to consider This personal issue.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ u.
C: Why?

E: You are lacking of P.R skills and confidence!!


*********

Story III


E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is she pretty?
C: Not quite.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you.
C: Why? Will this affect your company's reputation?

E: No, it does not affect the company's reputation but because My company is dealing with arts, our company requested an artist.


*********

Story IV


E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is she pretty?
C: yes

E: Is she your first lover?
C: Yes.

E: Sorry, we can't employ you because you lack of fighting spirit.


*********

Story V


E: Any girlfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is she your first lover?
C: No. Have a few already.

E: Sorry, my company cannot employ you because you are a "grasshopper"! (Job hoper lah!)


*********

Story VI


E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is he rich?
C: No.

E: Then sorry, my company cannot employ you because our Company is dealing with money and you will seduce.


*********

Story VII


E: Any boyfriends?
C: Yes.

E: Is he rich ?
C: Yes, very rich.He owns a company.

E: Sorry, we cannot employ you because your boyfriend don't Even want to employ you, neither do we!
C: But,...... there is no position in his company.

E: Then,..... what is your qualification?
C: Secretary!

E: Sorry, we still cannot employ you because your prettiness Will affect your managers' working spirits.
C: But,...... I am not pretty at all.

E: It is even worse because my managers will not be interested In you!!


*********

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.

That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

David Bissonette


*********

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Gui try


*********




After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Hemant Joshi


*********

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates


*********

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Dumas


*********

The great question.... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?

Sigmund Freud


*********

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

Sam Kinison


*********

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."

James Holt McGavran


*********

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."

Patrick Murray


*********

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Anonymous


*********

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman


*********

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield


*********

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle


*********

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.

Anonymous


*********

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Anonymous


*********