قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.

Promise me we are true friends
I am lamp you are light
I am Coke you are Sprite
I am Sawan you are badal
I am Normal you are Pagal
I am Water you are Tanki
I am Tarzan you are Monkey

............ ......... ......... ......... ......



Whn u get dis sms send it 2 1 person u love,
1 u hate,
1 u always thnk of
& 1 u wish 2 kill..
Now keep guessin y i sent it 2 U.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......


HOW TO START YOUR DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it " Boss "
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently? "
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. Feeling better?
............ ......... ......... ......... ......

You have known me in
Good and bad times ,
You have seen me
When i was happy and when i was sad,
You have watched me laugh and cry,
Thank you for believing in me,
For supporting me ,
And for always being there ,
Thank you for being
A PERFECT FRIEND.

............ ......... ......... .....


If you ask me for how long
Will i be your friend?
Then my answer will be "i don't know".
B'coz i really don't know
Whiich is longer forever or always.

............ ......... ......... .....


There's none more perfect than a friend.
A friend whose smile and thoughtful ways,
Add happiness to everyday;
A friend who cheers and comforts me,
And i have found that kind of friend in you!

............ ......... ......... .....


Dosti,
Kaho toh do Lafz,
Mano toh Bandagi,
Socho toh Gehra Sagar,
Dubo toh Zindagi,
Karo toh Aasaan,
Nibhao toh Mushkil,
Bikhre toh Sara Zamana,
Simte toh Sirf Tum.....

............ ......... ......... .....

Subject: PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9pm and ask, " Did I wake you ????"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience. Forward this to every one you can remember

*******

A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted.

As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car.

Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into his private study.
His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautiful wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat Disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed in gold.

Angrily, he raised his voice to his father and said, "With all your money you give me a Bible? and stormed out of the house, leaving the Bible.

Many years passed and the young man was very successful in business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day.

Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of things.

When he arrived at his father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search through his father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began to turn the pages.

His father had carefully underlined a verse, Matt 7:11, "And if ye, being evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more shall your Heavenly father which is in heaven, give to those who ask Him?" As he read those words, a car key dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words...PAID IN FULL.

*******

How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged as we expected? I trust you enjoyed this. Pass it on to others. Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for...

IF YOUR GIFT IS NOT PACKED THE WAY YOU WANT IT, IT'S BECAUSE IT IS BETTER PACKED THAT WAY! ALWAYS APPRECIATE LITTLE THINGS; THEY USUALLY LEAD YOU TO ATTACHMENTS!

God made daylight n called it the SUN.
God made entertainment n called it FUN.
God made nightlight n called it the MOON.
God made U n called CARTOON.

............ ......... ......... ......... ....


The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass & flowers 2.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

............ ......... ......... ......... ....


HAR KASHTI ka sahil nahi hota
Kimti chiz ke har koi kabil nahi hota..
Ye to tumhari kismat aachi hai varna
Tumhare jaise ladko ke paas mobile nahi hota .

............ ......... ......... ......... ....


Arz kiya hai.

Agar aapki shakal gadhe se milti hai,
Agar aapki shakal gadhe se milti hai,
To isme gadhe ki kya galti hai.
............ ......... ......... ......... ....

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
*******
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
*******
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
******* How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
*******
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
*******
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
*******
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
*******
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
*******
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
*******
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
A woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
*******
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
*******
Women will never be equal to men until they can
Walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
Gut, and still think they are sexy.
*******
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
*******
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
To the select few women who can handle the truth !
*******

From the very Begining, the girl's family objected strongly on her dating this guy. Saying that it has got to do with family background & that the girl will have to suffer for the rest of her life if she were to be with him.

Due to family's pressure, the couple quarrel very often. Though the girl love the guy deeply, but she always ask him: "How deep is your love for me?"

As the guy is not good with his words, this often cause the girl to be very upset. With that & the family's pressure, the girl often vent her anger on him. As for him, he only endure it in silence.

After a couple of years, the guy finally graduated & decided to further his studies in overseas. Before leaving, he proposed to the girl: "I'm not very good with words. But all I know is that I love you. If you allow me, I will take care of you for the rest of my life. As for your family, I'll try my best to talk them round. Will you marry me?"

The girl agreed, & with the guy's determination, the family finally gave in & agreed to let them get married. So before he leave, they got engaged.

The girl went out to the working society, whereas the guy was overseas, continuing his studies. They sent their love through emails & phone calls. Though it's hard, but both never thought of giving up.

One day, while the girl was on her way to work, she was knocked down by a car that lost control. When she woke up, she saw her parents beside her bed. She realised that she was badly injured. Seeing her mum crying, she wanted to comfort her. But she realized that all that could come out of her mouth was just a sigh. She has lost her voice......

The doctors says that the impact on her brain has caused her to lose her voice. Listening to her parents' comfort, but with nothing coming out from her, she broke down.

During the stay in hospital, besides silence cry,.....it's still just silence cry that companied her. Upon reaching home, everything seems to be the same. Except for the ringing tone of the phone. Which pierced into her heart everytime it rang. She does not wish to let the guy know. & not wanting to be a burden to him, she wrote a letter to him saying that she does not wish to wait any longer.

With that, she sent the ring back to him. In return, the guy sent millions & millions of reply, and countless of phonecalls,. . all the girl could do, besides crying, is still crying....

The parents decided to move away, hoping that she could eventually forget everything & be happy.

With a new environment, the girl learn sign language & started a new life. Telling herself everyday that she must forget the guy. One day, her friend came & told her that he's back. She asked her friend not to let him know what happened to her. Since then, there wasn't anymore news of him.

A year has passed & her friend came with an envelope, containing an invitation card for the guy's wedding. The girl was shattered. When she open the letter, she saw her name in it instead.

When she was about to ask her friend what's going on, she saw the guy standing in front of her. He used sign language telling her "I've spent a year's time to learn sign language. Just to let you know that I've not forgotten our promise. Let me have the chance to be your voice. I Love You. With that, he slipped the ring back into her finger. The girl finally smiled.



&&&&&&&&

Are we friends or Are we not?..
You told me once, but i forgot..
So tell me 'now' and tell me 'true'..
So i can say, i am here for you..
Of all the friends, i have ever met
"u' are the one i will never forget..
And if i die before u do..
I will go to heaven and wait for u..



............ ......... ......... .......





Friendship is not collection of hearts
But it is selection of hearts.
All friends r not true.
But true friends r very few! Like you.



............ ......... ......... .......





'FEW RELATIONS IN EARTH NEVER DIE'
Take 1st letter from each word to get the word in which i mean a lot.



............ ......... ......... .......





Ice is a cream, love is a dream,
But our friendship is evergreen.
Dont make friend before understanding
And Dont break friendship after understanding.





............ ......... ......... .......

Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home& devil
in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home& economist in Bed.

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter

There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We may
never piss this way again."

Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.

Boss: I'll give you 3000 per month and in three months, I'll raise it to
6000. So when would you like to start?
Santa: In 3 months.

A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?

Pilot asking permission to land said, "Guess who?"
Controller switches the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"



**********

A turtle family went on a picnic.. The turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outings.Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found it. For about six months theycleaned up the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements.

Then they discovered the had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home.

Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left.

Three years passed-- and the little turtle had not returned. Five years...six years.. then in the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and began to unwrap a sandwich.

At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, "SEE I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt."

The Moral Is...

Some of us waste our lives waiting for people to live up to our expectations of them. We are so concerned about what others are doing that we don't do anything ourselves.

Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment overnight.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.


Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment overnight.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!


Conclusion : Men are better friends





************

A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with a bag of potato chips and a six-pack of root beer and started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an old woman. She was sitting in the park, just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to her and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old lady looked hungry, so he offered her some chips. She gratefully accepted it and smiled at him.

Her smile was so pretty that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered her a root beer. Again, she smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat
there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As twilight approached, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave; but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old woman, and gave her a hug. She gave him her biggest smile ever.

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?" He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? She's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen!"

Meanwhile, the old woman, also radiant with joy, returned to her home. Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face and he asked, "Mother, what did you do today that made you so happy?" She replied! "I ate potato chips in the park with God." However, before her son responded, she added, "You know, he's much younger than I expected."

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of

which have the potential to turn a life around. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime! Embrace all equally!



&&&&&&&&

Santa for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the exam the essay which came was 'FATHER' .

He replaced friend with father in the essay and it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS,

SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.



............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .



Interviewer: what s ur qualification?
Santa : Sir I am Ph.d.

Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Santa : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY.. ..



............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .



Prince Charles & Santa were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".

Santa thinks "how poetic"
Santa says, "pass the custard you bastard".



............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .



Preeto was about to give birth to a baby.

Santa: If it looks like you, it would be great.

Preeto : If it looks like you, it would be a miracle.



............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .

1. Working / Earning not mandatory.

2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.

3. We don't have to bother on mobile bills.

4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying.

5. We don't have to stand on the queue to get tickets.

6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class.

7. We don't have to worry about the purse when we shop with men.

8. We can marry rich and then not have to work.


9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates.

10. Men take us on all expense paid trips

11. We always get place to sit when using public transport.

12. Easy to get a ride.

13. Men hold the door open for us.

14. Jewels looks good on us.

15. We lie better.

16. We're better manipulators.

17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves - you guys get the couch.

18. We always have food in the fridge.

19. We don't worry about losing our hair.

20. We always get to choose the movie.

21. We don't have to mow the lawn.

22. We don't have to take out the garbage.

23. We don't have to paint the house or walls.

24. If we need to our boyfriends just a missed call is enough.

25. We can easily show our disappointments or disapprovals.

26. We can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole.

27. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold.

28. Even strangers shows care if we are in trouble. Men have to manage themselves.

29. Men are like tiles, lay 'em right the first time you can walk all over em forever.

30. We can cry in public. Men cant.

31. We don't feel shy to cry.

32. We don have worry if we lose the fight.

33. Sweat is sexy on us.

34. We never run out of excuses.

35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often.

36. We can borrow clothes or accessories from our friends.

37. We get expensive jewelry as gifts that we NEVER have to give back.

38. We get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time because men screw up so often.

39. We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner.

40. Women are cleaner.

41. We know how to make up stories.

42. We're better arguers.

43. We don't always have to think with our genitals.

44. We don't have to worry if we are plump. Men still like us.

45. We're better parents.

46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night.

47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing, and able men.

48. We're flexible.

49. When women get upset, we don't destroy property or hurt people - we just take it out on the world in general because we can.

50. Easy to make friendships.

51. Much easy to get a date.

52. Men have to be in uniform.

53. We can do makeup anywhere

54. If we do heavy purchase we don't have to carry those things. Men are there.

55. It generally takes us less to get drunk.

56. We have a higher tolerance to pain.

57. We often get to cut in line (Queue).

58. Most women actually look good in short shorts - men DON'T.

59. Better tips.

60. Women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do it, it's rather disgusting

61. We have mastered civilized eating - we don't embarrass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public.

62. Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting - thank heaven for long pants and perfume!

63. We can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want.

64. We don't have excessive amounts of body hair.

65. We don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet.

66. We don't bother if our IQ level is less. Just a smile is enough.

67. We are always smart.

68. We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return.

69. We don't have to lie to boast ourselves better.

70. Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us.

71. Women sweat less.

72. Women smell better.

73. When women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on flowers or cards

74. Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats.

75. We don get charged if we tease men in public.

76. We can be late to the office.

77. We don't get embarrassed when buying tampons.

78. We're better gossips.

79. We have better fashion sense.

80. We're better shoppers.

81. We don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man.

82. Our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone.

83. Men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and I'm not gonna tell you)

84. We're all sitting on a gold mine - we know it and use it to our extreme advantage.

85. We don't have to drive when on a date.

86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable - ugly men are just ugly.

87. We can search for hours together in a shop not necessary to buy.

88. Don't have to maintain great physique.

89. Women look better naked

90. We know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing.

91. When women are short, we're petite. When men are short, they're just short.

92. Women do less time for violent crimes.

93. Women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up.

94. There are many hands to lift us when we slip to ground. Poor men they have to get up on their own.

95. And we don't have to feel shy about falling down.

96. Women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok then bye"

97. Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood.

98. The remote control is not an extension of ourselves.

99. Women are sexier.

100. We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it.........!


************

This is what True Love is all about:

It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 a.m., when an elderly gentleman in his 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him look at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation. I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.

I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer' s Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him, "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?"

He smiled as he patted my hand and said, "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is." I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life."

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there are some that come along that have an important message, and this is one of those kind. Just had to share it with you all.

thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuu very very much

This is what Bhagwan Shri Krishna wants to tell you .



Hey .......(Employee) ,


Incentive nahi mila, Bura Huva


Salary cut rahi hai, Bura Huva



Extra shift hogi, who bhi bure hogi.


Hey Arjuna,


Tum pitchla incentive na milne ka paschatap na karo,


Tum agle incentive ki chinta na karo,


Bus apni salary main santusta raho....


Tumhari pocket se kya gaya , Jo rote ho?


Jo aaya tha sab uper ki income thee. ;-)


Tum jab nahi the, tab bhi company chal rahi thee


Tum jab nahi hoge, tab bhi chalegee.


Hey Dhananjaya,


Tum NE aisa kaun as response diya, Jo tumhara tha.


Sab kuch, 'cut-copy-paste' ka khel tha.


Tum koi experience leker nahi aaye the..


Jo experience mila, yahi mila...


Jo support diya company ke liye...


Degree leker aaye the, experience leker chalo.


Jo system aaj tumhara hai...


Who kal kisi aur ka tha....


Kal kisi aur ka or parson kisi aur ka hoga..


Tum ise apna samajh kar kyo magan ho rahe ho..


Hey Kaunteya,


Yahi tumhari tension kaa kaaran hai.


"Kyo wayarth chinta karte ho, kisse wayarth darte ho,


Kaun tumhe nikaal sakta hai......"


' Policy change' company ka rule hai.


Jise tum policy change kahte ho, wahi to trick hai.


"Ek pal main tum Best performer or Hero no.1 ya Super


Star ban jaate ho,


Dusre pal main tum worst performer aur target nahin


Achieve kar paatey ho."


Appraisal, incentive etc. Etc. Mann se hata do,


Vichaar se mita do. . .


Phir company tumhari hai or tum company ke.


Tasmat Arjuna,


Na yeh increment wageyrah tumhare liye hai, na tum


Iske kabhi the. Parantu job secure hai :-) Phir tum


Tension kyon lete ho........? Tum apne aap ko company


Ko arpit kar do. Yahi sabse bada golden rule hai. Jo


Is golden rule ko jaanta hai, who review,


Incentive,recession ,retirement aadi se sada ke liye


Muqt ho jaata hai...

Some time ago, a friend of mine punished his 4 year old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became infuriated when the small child tried to decorate a box to put under the tree. Nevertheless the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said "This is for you Daddy."


He was embarrassed by his earlier over reaction... He opened the box and his anger flared again when he found the box was empty.



Then he yelled at her:

DON'T YOU KNOW when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside of it???


The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said,


Oh Daddy it's not empty, I blew kisses into the box, all for you Daddy.


The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged her for forgiveness. My friend told me that he kept that gold box near his bed for years.



Whenever he was discouraged he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. In a very real sense each of us has been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses.


There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.


*********

Chubby Cheeks,
Dimple Chin,
Browny Lips,
Tiny eyes &
Rosy Tongue
Actually I ws pointing out d similarities b/w U & vodafone dog.
it's gr8!
Are u twins?

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .


A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it`s all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."

"Why complain ?" said the counselor, "You re still getting the same service!"

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .


Lalu has just removed two front wheels from his TATA Nano alongside road curb.

Parking Cop came and asked Lalu, "What is going on?"

Lalu said, "Go away, don't you see parking sign, it says Parking for Two Wheelers only."
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .

• The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.


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• Sometimes when I reflect back on all the ciggarettes I smoked, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the ciggarette & think about the workers in the ciggarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If I don't smoke this ciggarette, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered, Then I say to myself, it's better that I smoke this ciggarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish & worry about my LUNGS.


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• Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.


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• My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes.


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• When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.


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• A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession.. .even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"


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• "Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"

Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.

"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"

"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.


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• Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.


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• Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal


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• A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper.

Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?

French: Toilette pepper!

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Priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.


Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.


Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?"


The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ."


Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver,


"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."


Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."


Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,


"Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."


"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"


"Results," shrugged Saint Peter....... ....


"While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."


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Moral of the story:

It's Performance, Not Position that Counts

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.


When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"


"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.


"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."


The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.


"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.


"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."


"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."


They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.


When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.


"This is Heaven," he answered.

"We ll, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."


"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"


"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

Heart Can Skip Beats 4 a While
Memories can be kept in a file
A desert can replace the Nile
But...
Nothing can stop a smile when ur name appears on my mobile.

............ ......... ......... ......... ......... .........


My eyes reacted
My mind was attracted,
My heart was affected,
Thousands were rejected,
But u alone were selected !!

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Measured by miles you are far from me.
Measured by thoughts you are closer to me.

Measured by closed eyes you are with me.
Measured by Heart you are in me...forever..
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