قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية.

موضوع: Lessons in Logic ... الأربعاء 24 سبتمبر 2008, 1:27 pm

If your father is a poor man,

It is your fate but,

If your father-in-law is a poor man,

it's your stupidity.

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I was born intelligent - Education ruined me.

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Practice makes perfect.....

But nobody's perfect..... .

So why practice?

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If it's true that we are here to help others,

Then what exactly are the others here for?

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Since light travels faster than sound,

People appear bright until you hear them speak.

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How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

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Money is not everything.

There's Mastercard & Visa.

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One should love animals.

They are so tasty.

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Behind every successful man, there is a woman

And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

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Every man should marry.

After all, happiness is not the only thing in Life.

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The wise never marry.

And when they marry they become otherwise.

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Success is a relative term.

It brings so many relatives.

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Never put off the work till tomorrow

What you can put off today.

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"Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep

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There should be a better way to start a day Than waking up every morning

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"Hard work never killed anybody"

But why take the risk

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"Work fascinates me"

I can look at it for hours

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God made relatives;

Thank God we can choose our friends.

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The more you learn, the more you know,

The more you know, the more you forget

The more you forget, the less you know

So.. Why learn.

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A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....

What more can I say........

***********

............ ......... .........

موضوع: Unconditional love الجمعة 26 سبتمبر 2008, 12:39 am

Some time ago, a friend of mine punished his 4 year old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became infuriated when the small child tried to decorate a box to put under the tree. Nevertheless the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said "This is for you Daddy."

He was embarrassed by his earlier over reaction... He opened the box and his anger flared again when he found the box was empty.

Then he yelled at her:

DON'T YOU KNOW when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside of it???

The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said,

Oh Daddy it's not empty, I blew kisses into the box, all for you Daddy.

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged her for forgiveness. My friend told me that he kept that gold box near his bed for years.

Whenever he was discouraged he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. In a very real sense each of us has been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses.

There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.

*********

موضوع: Cool meanings الجمعة 26 سبتمبر 2008, 12:42 am

Cigarette:

A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

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Love affairs:

Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

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Marriage:

It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

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Divorce:

Future tense of marriage

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Lecture:

An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

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Conference:

The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

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Compromise:

The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

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Tears:

The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine waterpower.. .

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Dictionary:

A place where divorce comes before marriage.

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Conference Room:

A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

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Ecstasy:

A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

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Classic:

A book which people praise, but do not read.

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Smile:

A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

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Office:

A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

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Yawn:

The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

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Etc:

A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

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Committee:

Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

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Experience:

The name men give to their mistakes.

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Atom Bomb:

An invention to end all inventions.

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Philosopher:

A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

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Diplomat:

A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

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Opportunist:

A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

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Optimist:

A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway See I am not injured yet.

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Pessimist:

A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY

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Miser:

A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

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Father:

A banker provided by nature.

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Criminal:

A guy no different from the rest... Except that he got caught.

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Boss:

Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

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Politician:

One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

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Doctor:

A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

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............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .........

موضوع: A Fascinating Story السبت 27 سبتمبر 2008, 11:29 am

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband,dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the president of Harvard's outer office.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge.

She frowned. "We want to see the president," the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped. "We'll wait," the lady replied. For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away.

They didn't. And the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted to do. "Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they'll leave," she told him.

And he sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple.

The lady told him, "We had a son that attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. And my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."

The president wasn't touched, he was shocked. "Madam," he said gruffly. "We can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery". "Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue.

We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard." The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard." For a moment the lady was silent.

The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now. And the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a University? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded.

The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. And Mr. And Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the University that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

********

"You can easily judge the character of others by how they treat those who can do nothing for them or to them." Malcolm Forbes

موضوع: BOYS - GALS الأحد 28 سبتمبر 2008, 8:32 am

WOMAN has MAN in it .
jocolor

SHE has HE in it.

Mrs. Has Mr. In it.

LADY has LAD in it.

MISTERESS has MISTER in it.

MADAM has ADAM in it.

HOSTESS has HOST in it.

FEMALE has MALE in it

......and so on the list is never ending

SO NO need to be proud ....Girls

YOU are always incomplete without Boys....

******

موضوع: love's story الأحد 28 سبتمبر 2008, 8:34 am

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left.

Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat." Vanity answered.

Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh....Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"

Happiness passed by Love too, but he was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!

Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went his own way.

Love realizing how much he owed the elder and asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?" "It was Time," Knowledge answered. "Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?" Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because, only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM

------------ --------- --------- ----
jocolor

NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.

He will give you the licen.

For instruktions, see bottom applikason.

************ *

1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

************ *

2. First name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

************ *

3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

************ *

4. Sex: ____ (Laloo) _____ (Rabri)

************ *

5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right

************ *

6.Occupason:

(_) Dacoit (_) Rapeist (_) Kidanapper (_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_)

Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed

(Check karet box)

************ *

7. Number of children libing in the household: ___

************ *

8. Read #7 agan & anser here: ___

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9. Mather name: ____________ _________ __

************ *

10. Phather Name: ____________ ________ (don't leave blank)

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11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 ............ .. (Circle highest grade completed)

************ *

12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow (_) Berownish- ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other
-__________ Give egjhakt color

(Check karet box)

************ *

14. Ice seight:

(_) One Ice(2x1) (_) Two Ice(2x2) (_) Half blind (_) Day blind (_)
Night blind (_) 4/4 (_)6/6

************ *

15.Your thumb imparesson :

(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, please do not copy thumb impression also. Please provide your own thumb impression.)

************ *

PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS

Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you don't have lepht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.

NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.

WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS

************ *

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (the woodcutter and the axe),

He started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.

As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, "Is this your computer ?" Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, "No."

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his.

Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all!!"

Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.

The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes."

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give

Him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer

Asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?"

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM !". So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!!

********
study

Moral :If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

موضوع: No matter الإثنين 29 سبتمبر 2008, 11:46 am

No matter how high the sky is,
How deep the ocean is,
How strong the wind is,
How wide the river is,

I just want to tell YOU….

They're none of YOUR BUSINESS

............ ......... ......... ......

Andhe ke hath me "TORCH",
Bahare ke hath me "RADIO",

Gunge ke hath me "MIKE",
AUR AAP KE HATH ME "MOBILE"

WAH WAH Kya Jamana Aaya hai!!!

............ ......... ......... ......

Aap itrate bahut ho
Dil ko behlate bahut ho

Sochte hai aap ko DINNER par le jaaye
Par kya kare ZALIM tum khate bahut ho.

............ ......... ......... ......

Amiri ke khwab Dekhne laga,
Angreji Sharab Chakhane laga,

Baap ne kabhi Pager nahi dekha,
Aur beta Mobile rakhne laga!!!
............ ......... ......... ......

موضوع: Shocking Telegrams الثلاثاء 30 سبتمبر 2008, 11:48 am

TELEGRAM #1

jocolor

A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as:

"father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

************ ***

TELEGRAM #2

A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here."

The message received by wife: "I wish you were her."

************ ***

TELEGRAM #3

A wife with near maturing pregnan! Cy goes to railway station to return to her husband.

At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket.

Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as:

"Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."

************ ***

TELEGRAM #4

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.

The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.

Well he thinks for a while and says:

Let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".

The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?"

The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "! You are getting better" at the bottom.

The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake:

"You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom".

************ ***

TELEGRAM #5

A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her parent's house in Delhi .

When the man went to Ajmer, he asked his servant to send a telegram to his wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer.

He sent a telegram. When the wife received the telegram, she fainted.

It was written:

'Sethji aaj mar ! Gaye! (Sethji Ajmer gaye )

موضوع: Magical frog الثلاثاء 30 سبتمبر 2008, 11:56 am

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make Your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. "

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, -she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said,

"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, -she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the story for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!

* Everything you eat is savoured with garlic, onions and chillies.

* You try and re-use gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminium foil.

* You are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the airport.

* You arrive one or two hours late to a party, and think it's normal.

* You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to stamp.

* Your toilet has a plastic bowl next to the commode.

* All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.

* You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.

* You load up the family car with as many people as possible.

* You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch .

* You live with your parents even if you are 40 years old. (And they like it that way).

* If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel it's your duty to spread the word.

* You only make long distance calls after 11pm.

* If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.

* When your parents meet Indian for the first time and talk for a few minutes, you soon discover they are your relatives.

* Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs while talking.

* You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them from getting dirty.

* It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.

* You list your daughter as "fair and slim" in the matrimonial no matter what she looks like.

* You're alw ays interested to know/interfere in others' personal matters, what they are doing, where they are going, etc.

* You have really enjoyed reading this mail because you know some, or most of them, applies to you!

******

موضوع: TWO Frogs الخميس 02 أكتوبر 2008, 6:14 am

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead.

The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die.

He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?"

The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them.

Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path. The power of words...

It is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way.

Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times. Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another.

موضوع: Cash Withdrawal from ATM الخميس 02 أكتوبر 2008, 12:38 pm

How a BOY withdraws cash from an ATM.

1. Park the car

2. Go to ATM Machine

3. Insert card

4. Enter PIN

5. Take money out

6. Take ATM Card out

7. Drive away

*********

How a GIRL withdraws cash from an ATM

1. Park the car

2. Check makeup

3. Turn off engine

4. Check makeup

5. Go to ATM

6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse

7. Insert card

8. Hit Cancel

9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it

10. Insert card

11. Enter PIN

12. Take cash

13. Go to car

14. Check makeup

15. Start car

16. Stop car

17. Run back to ATM

18. Take ATM card

19. Back to car

20. Check makeup

21. Start car

22. Check makeup

23. Drive for 1/2 mile

24. Release handbrake

25. Drive on.

*********

موضوع: The Silversmith Story الخميس 02 أكتوبر 2008, 12:46 pm

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it"

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

************ ****

Pass this on right now. This very moment, someone needs to know that God is watching over them.

And, whatever they're going through, they'll be a better person in the end.

"Life is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once."

موضوع: YOU ARE OLD WHEN الجمعة 03 أكتوبر 2008, 8:43 am

OLD" IS WHEN . Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today

"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.

"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes.

******

موضوع: The Split Milk الجمعة 03 أكتوبر 2008, 8:50 am

This is a story about a famous research scientist who had made several very important medical breakthroughs. He was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who asked him why he thought he was able to be so much more creative than the average person. What set him so far apart from others?

He responded that, in his opinion, it all came from an experience with his mother that occurred when he was about two years old. He had been trying to remove a bottle of milk from the refrigerator when he lost his grip on the slippery bottle and it fell, spilling its contents all over the kitchen floor—a veritable sea of milk!

When his mother came into the kitchen, instead of yelling at him, giving him a lecture, or punishing him, she said, "Robert, what a great and wonderful mess you have made! I have rarely seen such a huge puddle of milk. Well, the damage has already been done. Would you like to get down and play in the milk for a few minutes before we clean it up?"

Indeed, he did. After a few minutes, his mother said, "You know, Robert, whenever you make a mess like this, eventually you have to clean it up and restore everything to its proper order. So, how would you like to do that? We could use a sponge, a towel, or a mop. Which do you prefer?" He chose the sponge and together they cleaned up the spilled milk.

His mother then said, "You know, what we have here is a failed experiment in how to effectively carry a big milk bottle with two tiny hands. Let's go out in the back yard and fill the bottle with water and see if you can discover a way to carry it without dropping it." The little boy learned that if he grasped the bottle at the top near the lip with both hands, he could carry it without dropping it. What a wonderful lesson!

This renowned scientist then remarked that it was at that moment that he knew he didn't need to be afraid to make mistakes. Instead, he learned that mistakes were just opportunities for learning something new, which is, after all, what scientific experiments are all about. Even if the experiment "doesn't work," we usually learn something valuable from it.

موضوع: Internet Parking Notice السبت 04 أكتوبر 2008, 8:04 am

*INTERNET PARKING NOTICE*
Very Happy

Offender : You!

Date: Today

Time: 3:00 a.m.

Offence # : in front of the computer TOO LONG!

Details of Offence : During our routine sweep of the Internet we, the Internet Police, have discovered that you have been on your chair in front of the computer TOO LONG!

You are HEREBY ORDERED to clean up that pile of cups, cans, wrappers and papers on your desk (yes, we can see you - sit up straight!) and after you have logged into the real world for a minimum of ten minutes you may log back on to the Internet. Failure to comply may result in loss of reality, carpal tunnel syndrome, and the requirement of a larger chair.

The timer starts NOW!

Get off your butt - you'll thank us for it later. * * *

موضوع: FRESH FISH السبت 04 أكتوبر 2008, 8:06 am

The Japanese have always loved fresh fish.
study

But the waters close to Japan have not held many fish for decades.

So to feed the Japanese population,

Fishing boats got bigger and went farther than ever.

The farther the fishermen went, the longer it took to bring in the fish. If the return trip took more than a few days, the fish were not fresh. The Japanese did not like the taste.

To solve this problem, fishing companies installed freezers on their boats.

They would catch the fish and freeze them at sea. Freezers allowed the boats to go farther and stay longer.

However, the Japanese could taste the difference between fresh and frozen and they did not like frozen fish.

The frozen fish brought a lower price. So fishing companies installed fish tanks. They would catch the fish and stuff them in the tanks, fin to fin.

After a little thrashing around, the fish stopped moving.

They were tired and dull, but alive. Unfortunately, the Japanese could still taste the difference.

Because the fish did not move for days, they lost their fresh-fish taste.

The Japanese preferred the lively taste of fresh fish, not sluggish fish.

So how did Japanese fishing companies solve this problem? How do they get fresh-tasting fish to Japan? If you were consulting the fish industry, what

Would you recommend?

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Here is How Japanese Fish Stay Fresh:

To keep the fish tasting fresh, the Japanese fishing companies still put the fish in the tanks.

But now they add a small shark to each tank. The shark eats a few fish, but most of the fish arrive in a very lively state. The fish are challenged.

Have you realized that some of us are also living in a pond but most of the time tired & dull,

So we need a Shark in our life to keep us awake and moving?

Basically in our lives Sharks are new challenges to keep us active and lively.....

Love Marriage
Very Happy

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Resembles procedural programming language.

We have some set functions like flirting, going to movies together, making long conversations on

Phone and then try to fit all functions to the candidate we like.

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It is a throwaway type of prototype as client requirements rises with time thus it is a dynamic system and difficult to maintain.

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Family system hangs because hardware (called parents) is not responding.

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You are the project leader so you are responsible for implementation and execution of PROJECT- Married Life.

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Client expectations include exciting feature as spouse cooking food, washing clothes etc.

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Acceptance test possible you can try before you Buy.

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Love Marriage is like Windows, beautiful n seductive... . Yet one never knows when it will crash....

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Arranged Marriage

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Similar to object oriented programming approach.

We first fix the candidate and then try to implement functions on her.

The functions are added to supplement the main program.

The functions can be added or deleted.

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Requirements are well defined so use of waterfall model is possible

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Compatible with hardware (Parents).

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You are a team member under project leader (parents) so they are responsible for successful execution of project Married life.

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All these features are covered in the SRS as required features.

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Product is sold on an as is where is basis. Product once sold will not be taken back!

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Arranged Marriage is like Unix... Boring n colorless... Still extremely reliable n robust.

موضوع: KINDNESS PAYS ! الأحد 05 أكتوبر 2008, 12:41 pm

One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.

He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.

Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, "How much do I owe you?"

"You don't owe me anything," she replied "Mother has taught us never to accept payment for a kindness." He said... "Then I thank you from my heart."

As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt; stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.

Years later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.

Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes.

Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.

Dressed in his doctor's gown he we nt in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case.

After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room.

She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally, she looked, and something caught; her attention on the side as She read these words.....

"Paid in full with one glass of milk." (Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.

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1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

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2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch.

When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever.

See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.

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3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...."

When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

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4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located.

Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

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5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

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6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

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7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

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8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

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9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

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10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."

Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

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11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

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12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back.

If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers) .

If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

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Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."

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Moral of the story is... The reply you get depends on the question you ask.

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For example, if you want a vacation when still working on a project don't ask for the holiday;

Ask: "Can I keep working on this project while I'm on vacation?"

1. Working / Earning not mandatory.

2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.

3. We don't have to bother on mobile bills.

4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying.

5. We don't have to stand on the queue to get tickets.

6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class.

7. We don't have to worry about the purse when we shop with men.

8. We can marry rich and then not have to work.

9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates.

10. Men take us on all expense paid trips

11. We always get place to sit when using public transport.

12. Easy to get a ride.

13. Men hold the door open for us.

14. Jewels looks good on us.

15. We lie better.

16. We're better manipulators.

17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves - you guys get the couch.

18. We always have food in the fridge.

19. We don't worry about losing our hair.

20. We always get to choose the movie.

21. We don't have to mow the lawn.

22. We don't have to take out the garbage.

23. We don't have to paint the house or walls.

24. If we need to our boyfriends just a missed call is enough.

25. We can easily show our disappointments or disapprovals.

26. We can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper into a hole.

27. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold.

28. Even strangers shows care if we are in trouble. Men have to manage themselves.

29. Men are like tiles, lay 'em right the first time you can walk all over em forever.

30. We can cry in public. Men cant.

31. We don't feel shy to cry.

32. We don have worry if we lose the fight.

33. Sweat is sexy on us.

34. We never run out of excuses.

35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often.

36. We can borrow clothes or accessories from our friends.

37. We get expensive jewelry as gifts that we NEVER have to give back.

38. We get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time because men screw up so often.

39. We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner.

40. Women are cleaner.

موضوع: Will Power الثلاثاء 07 أكتوبر 2008, 11:06 am

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation.

Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year.

I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love, Dad

.........

Shortly, the old man received this telegram:

"For Heaven's sake, Dad,don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4a.m.

The next morning,

A dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and a sked him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you from here."

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- Moral Of the Story

NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THE WORLD,

IF YOU HAVE DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING DEEP FROM YOUR HEART, YOU CAN DO IT.

IT IS THE THOUGHT THAT MATTERS NOT WHERE YOU ARE OR WHERE THE PERSON IS.

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