| | | قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية. |  |
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| كاتب الموضوع | رسالة |
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nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
 | موضوع: She is a woman  الخميس 11 ديسمبر 2008, 4:13 am | |
|  If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you don't, she thinks you do not love her If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are girls" If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics
If you do, she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction She is a womanIf you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just admiring If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk In short:
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So damning, yet so wonderful
So confusing, yet so desirable... ... ****** | |
|  | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: The bowl الخميس 11 ديسمبر 2008, 4:23 am | |
|  A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"?
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.? I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"? "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.? "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.? "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," he answered. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind." | |
| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: I've some doubts الجمعة 12 ديسمبر 2008, 5:09 am | |
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| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: MOUSE TRAP STORY الجمعة 12 ديسمبر 2008, 5:12 am | |
| A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. What food might this contain? The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap. Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning : There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house! The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. " "I cannot be bothered by it." The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The pig sympathized, but said, I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. "Be assured you are in my prayers." The mouse turned to the cow and said "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!" The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose." So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone. That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them. The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness. So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another. SEND THIS TO EVERYONE WHO HAS EVER HELPED YOU OUT AND LET THEM KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE. REMEMBER,,,, EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY; OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON. | |
| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: Why I am Glad to be a Women ! الأحد 14 ديسمبر 2008, 4:53 am | |
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| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: A Story الأحد 14 ديسمبر 2008, 4:54 am | |
| One fine day, an old couple around the age of 70, walks into a lawyer's office.
Apparently, they are there to file a divorce.Lawyer was very puzzled, after having a chat with them, he got their story....
This couple had been quarreling all their 40 over yrs of marriage nothing ever seems to go right.They hang on because of their children, afraid that it might affect their up-bringing. Now, all their children have already grown up, have their own family, there's nothing else the old couple have to worry about, all they wanted is to lead their own life free from all these years of unhappiness from their marriage, so both agree on a divorce.... Lawyer was having a hard time trying to get the papers done, because he felt that after 40 yrs of marriage at the age of 70, he couldn't understand why the old couple would still want a divorce..
While they were signing the papers, the wife told the husband..
"I really love u, but I really cant carry on anymore, I'm sorry.."
"Its o.k, I understand.." said the husband. Lookin at this, the lawyer suggested a dinner together, just 3 of them,wife thought, why not, since they are still gonna be friends..
At the dining table, there was a silence of awkardness.
The first dish was roasted chicken, immediately, the old man took the drumstick for the old lady.."take this, its your favourite.."
Looking at this, the lawyer thought maybe theres still a chance, but the wife was frowning when she answer.."This is always the problem, you always think so highly of yourself, never thought about how I feel, don't you know that I hate drumsticks?"
Little did she know that, over the years, the husband have been trying all ways to please her, little did she know that drumsticks was the husband's favourite. Little did he know that she never thought he understand her at all, little did he know that she hates drummsticks even though all he wants is the best for her.
That night, both of them couldn't sleep, toss and turn, toss and turn...after hours, the old man couldn't take it anymore, he knows that he still loves her, and he cant carry on life without her, he wants her back, he wants to tell her, he is sorry, he wanted to tell her "I love you"...
He picks up the phone, starting dialing her number....ringing never stops..he never stop dialing....On the other side, she was sad, she couldn't understand how come after all these years, he still doesn't understand her at all, she loves him a lot, but she just cant take it anymore....phone's ringing, she refuses to answer knowing that its him..."whats the point of talking now that its over...I have ask for it and now I wanna keep it this way, if not I will lose face.."she thought...still ringing...she have decided to pull out the cord... Little did she remember, he have heart problems...
The next day, she received news that he had passed away...she rushed down to his apartment, saw his body, lying on the couch still holding on to the phone...he had a heart attack when he was still trying to get through her phone line....
As sad as she could be...she will have to clear his belongings.. .when she was looking thru the drawers, she saw this insurance policy, dated from the day they got married, with the beneficiary being her... And together in those file, there was this note... "To my dearest wife, by the time you're reading this, I'm sure I'm no longer around, I bought this policy for you, though the amount is only $100k, I hope it will be able to help me continue my promise that I have made when we got married, I might not be around anymore, I want this amount of money to continue taking care of you, just like the way I will if I could have live longer. I want you to know Iwill always be around, by your side... I love you"
Tears flowed like river......
"When you love someone, let them know... You never know what will happen the next minute.... Learn to build a life together.. Learn to love each other. For who they are.. Not what they are..." | |
| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: The Fork الأحد 14 ديسمبر 2008, 4:59 am | |
|
There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order", she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.
The woman also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible.
Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
"There's one more thing," she said excitedly.
"What's that?" came the pastor's reply.
"This is very important," the woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."
The pastor didn't know what to say. "That surprises you, doesn't it?" the woman asked.
"Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor.
The woman explained. "In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork'.
It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming... Like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance. So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder, 'What's with the fork?' Then I want you to tell them : "Keep your fork...the best is yet to come".
The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman the last time he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She KNEW that something better was coming.
At the funeral people were walking by the woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing, her favorite Bible and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the pastor heard the question, "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman about what it symbolized to her.
The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right.
So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, oh so gently, that the best is yet to come.
| |
| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: Men Are Hard To Please الأحد 14 ديسمبر 2008, 5:16 am | |
| If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him; If u Don't , he says u are PROUD .
******* If u DRESS Nicely , he says u are trying to LURE him; If u Don't , he says u are from VILLAGE .
******* If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN ; If u keep QUIET , he says u have no BRAINS .
******* If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE; If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT .
******* If u don't L ove him, he tries to POSSESS u; If u Love him! , he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
******* If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him; If u do !! He says u are CHEAP.
******* If u tell him your PROBLEM , he says u are TROUBLESOME; If u don't , he says that u don't TRUST him.
******* If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him; If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
******* If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED; If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
******* If u SMOKE , u are BAD girl; If he SMOKES, he is GENTLEMAN.
******* If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK ; If he does WELL , it's BRAINS.
******* If u HURT him, u are CRUEL; If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!! & sooo hard to please!!!!! ******* | |
| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: Amazingly true and hilarious الثلاثاء 16 ديسمبر 2008, 5:00 am | |
| In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
***********
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1) You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+ But return with Beer (-5) You check out a suspicious noise at night (0) You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5) You pummel it with iron rod (+10) It's her pet (-10)
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SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0) You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2) Named Rita (-4) Rita is a dancer (-6) Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)
***********
HER BIRTHDAY You forget her birthday (-50000) You take her out to dinner (0) You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1) Okay, it's a sports bar (-2) And it's all-you-can- eat night (-3) It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can- eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)
***********
A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie (+2) You take her to a movie she likes (+4) You take her to a movie you hate (+6) You take her to a movie you like (-2) It's called 'DeathCop' (-3) You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)
***********
ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT] You hesitate in responding (-10) You reply, "Where?" (-35) Any other response (-20)
***********
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks Like a concerned __expression(0) You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50) You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500) She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)
Now what chance do you have??? Pass it on to the poor fellas for info & to the gals for a good laugh !
*********** | |
| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOM الثلاثاء 16 ديسمبر 2008, 5:02 am | |
| A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a girl roommate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates." About a week later, Sunita came! To Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, jjust to be sure." So he sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Kumar Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read Dear Son: I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow... Love, Mom. Lesson of the day: Don't Lie to Your Mother...........especial ly if she is Indian !
********* | |
| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: Innocent Questions السبت 20 ديسمبر 2008, 8:28 am | |
| 1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
***********
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
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3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
***********
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
***********
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform,
She asked, "Are you a cop?" Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right? "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
***********
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment,
My K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said," What'd he do?"
***********
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
***********
DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
***********
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting , then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."
***********
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother .. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
***********
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. ; ; "What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
***********
............ ......... | |
| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: The Guys' Rules السبت 20 ديسمبر 2008, 8:34 am | |
| Finally , the guys' side of the story.
We always hear " the rules " From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.. These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! **********
1. Men are NOT mind readers. ************
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. ************ 1. Crying is blackmail. ************ 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! ************ 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. ************ 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. ************ 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor. ************ 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. ************ 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys. ************ 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. ************ 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one ************ 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. ************ 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. ************ 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. ************ 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. ************ 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. ************ 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. ************ 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really . ************ 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf. ************ 1. You have enough clothes. ************ 1. You have too many shoes. ************ 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! ************ 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; ************ Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh! ************ | |
| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: Handgun v/s Woman (10 Reasons) السبت 20 ديسمبر 2008, 8:37 am | |
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| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: The Pancake السبت 20 ديسمبر 2008, 8:40 am | |
| Six year old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor . He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten. Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad. He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove, (and he didn't know how the stove worked!). Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky. And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him. Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process. That's how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend or we can't stand our job or our health goes sour.
Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him. But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make pancakes," for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...
******** | |
| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: Management Stories السبت 20 ديسمبر 2008, 8:43 am | |
| Story # 1
It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk. Fox: "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken"
Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you"
Fox: "Hmm... But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your big claws will only destroy it even more."
Lion: "Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed"
Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches"
Lion: "Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed" The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun. Wolf: "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken"
Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you"
Wolf: "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV.
Lion: "No problem. Do you want to try it?" The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed. Scene : Inside the lion's cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself. Moral : IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A MANAGER IS FAMOUS; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES. Management Lesson in the context of the working world : IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES Story # 2
It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk. Fox: "What are you working on?"
Rabbit: "My thesis."
Fox: "Hmm... What is it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
Fox: "That's ridiculous ! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!
Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!" They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing. Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.
Wolf: "What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
Wolf: "you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?" The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.
Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."
Bear: "Well that's absurd !"
Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you" Scene : As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion. Moral: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHOM YOU HAVE AS A SUPERVISOR. Management Lesson in the context of the working world: IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU OR NOT | |
| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: Top 9 Funniest News paper Classifieds السبت 20 ديسمبر 2008, 8:46 am | |
| | |
| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: Some funny lines السبت 20 ديسمبر 2008, 8:49 am | |
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| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: A red rose السبت 20 ديسمبر 2008, 8:52 am | |
| A man stopped at a flower shop to order some flowers to be wired to his mother who lived two hundred miles away.
As he got out of his car he noticed a young girl sitting on the curb sobbing. He asked her what was wrong and she replied, "I wanted to buy a red rose for my mother. But I only have seventy-five cents, and a rose costs two dollars." The man smiled and said, "Come on in with me. I'll buy you a rose." He bought the little girl her rose and ordered his own mother's flowers.
As they were leaving he offered the girl a ride home. She said, "Yes, please! You can take me to my mother." She directed him to a cemetery, where she placed the rose on a freshly dug grave.
The man returned to the flower shop, canceled the wire order, picked up a bouquet and drove the two hundred miles to his mother's house.
******
Moral: Don't Send Artificial Loves to your parents. Give them the respect and courtesy they desire. They are your most precious Treasure, Care for them. God Forbid, if they leave this world then one can do nothing but regret. | |
| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: The bowl السبت 20 ديسمبر 2008, 9:03 am | |
| A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"?
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.? I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"? "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.? "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.? "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," he answered. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind." | |
| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: Five More Minutes الأحد 21 ديسمبر 2008, 7:05 am | |
| While at the park one day, a woman sat down next to a man on a bench near a playground. That's my son over there, she said, pointing to a little boy in a red sweater who was gliding down the slide.
He's a fine looking boy, the man said. That's my son on the swing in the blue sweater. Then, looking at his watch, he called to his son. What do you say we go, Todd
Todd pleaded, Just five more minutes, Dad. Please Just five more minutes. The man nodded and Todd continued to swing to his heart's content.
Minutes passed and the father stood and called again to his son. Time to go now Again Todd pleaded, Five more minutes, Dad. Just five more minutes.
The man smiled and said, O.K.
My, you certainly are a patient father, the woman responded.
The man smiled and then said, My older son Tommy was killed by a drunk driver last year while he was riding his bike near here. I never spent much time with Tommy and now I'd give anything for just five more minutes with him. I've vowed not to make the same mistake with Todd. He thinks he has five more minutes to swing. The truth is, I get Five more minutes to watch ********* | |
| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: Funny 10 phone answering mesaages الأحد 21 ديسمبر 2008, 7:08 am | |
| 10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. 9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.  8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling..... And I'll think about returning your call. 7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. 6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money. 5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message. 4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner. 3. Hi. Now YOU say something. 2. Hi. I'm probably home; I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. 1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...real slow. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back . ****** | |
| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: What is on the other side? الإثنين 22 ديسمبر 2008, 3:45 am | |
| A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, with tears in his eyes, "Doctor, I am afraid to die, please tell me what is on the other side?"
Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know"
"You don't know?" said the sick man, "How come you don't know what is on the other side?"
The doctor was holding the handle of the door.
On the other side of the door, there was a sound of scratching and whining. As he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? It has never been in this room before; it didn't know what was inside except that its master was here.
When the door opened, it sprang in without fear.
We don't know what is on the other side of death, but we know that our Master is there and that is quite enough". | |
| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: The Best 50 of Murphy's Law الإثنين 22 ديسمبر 2008, 3:48 am | |
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| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: The Best 50 of Murphy's Law part 2 الإثنين 22 ديسمبر 2008, 3:52 am | |
| Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
*********** All great discoveries are made by mistake.
*********** Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
*********** Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
*********** All's well that ends.
*********** A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
*********** The first myth of management is that it exists.
*********** A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
*********** New systems generate new problems.
*********** To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
*********** We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
*********** Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
*********** Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
*********** A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
*********** The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.
*********** Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
*********** Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
*********** The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
*********** To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
*********** After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
*********** Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
*********** A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
*********** If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
*********** Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
*********** Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."
*********** Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
*********** If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
*********** The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
*********** In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. On Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. On Monday.
*********** Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
*********** All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
*********** The only perfect science is hind-sight.
*********** Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
*********** If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
*********** If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
*********** When all else fails, read the instructions.
*********** If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
*********** Everything that goes up must come down.
*********** Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
*********** Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
*********** Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
*********** The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
*********** Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.
*********** | |
| | | | nermeen ahmed kamal
نجم الجماهير
عدد الرسائل : 4069
العمر : 49
تاريخ التسجيل : 30/07/2008
| | موضوع: Fisherman الثلاثاء 23 ديسمبر 2008, 9:33 am | |
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| | | | | | قصص و فكاهة بالانجليزية. | |
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